


To Hear Your Voice

by miraclebee



Series: Seoul Mates [1]
Category: VIXX
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Homophobia, I'm Bad At Summaries, M/M, Minor Character Death, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rated M Just To Be Safe, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Swearing, Tattoos, appearances by other k-idols, this sounds really sad but it gets happy i promise
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-03-14 00:55:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13582593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miraclebee/pseuds/miraclebee
Summary: Cha Hakyeon meets his soul mate when he is eight years old. Some people tell him he is lucky; many people don’t meet their soul mates until their twenties, if at all. Others tell him he’s a freak, that he doesn't belong. Because Cha Hakyeon is eight years old when he meets his soul mate, a boy.(Or, a soul mate au where soul mates get matching tattoos when they meet)





	1. An Introduction (Hongbin)

 

 _When did you meet?_ Hongbin’s voice, low, off camera.

 

Two men, one looking just a bit disgruntled, sit together, camera focused on their faces.

 

“We met eight months ago. This idiot was my nurse when I got appendicitis. I couldn’t remember meeting him because I was under anesthesia. He wouldn’t tell me how I got my fuck—“

 

“Hyung!”

 

“—ing tattoo. I had to figure it out in my mind-addled state.”

 

“Hyung! He’s exaggerating, it wasn’t that bad! Plus he’s the one who—”

 

“Three days! You told me after three days while I was freaking the fuck out, turning the hospital on end, trying to find my soul mate—“

 

“But you did it, right? Besides, _I_ was the one who had to—“

 

“Whatever, I’m broke now because of this asshole—“

 

“ _Hyung!”_

 

The image cuts; two different men, one incredibly familiar to Hongbin. Their torsos are showing, identical ink-black tattoos curling around their left wrists. Same question, asked low, off camera.

 

“I actually first saw him when I was eleven years old. We were in an airport and we were separated. We actually met again, thirteen years after getting our tattoos, through some of our friends.”

 

“It’s kinda weird how it happened. We didn’t even recognize each other for a few weeks, only when we started hanging out and our tattoos changed.”

 

 _You didn’t recognize each other’s tattoos?_ Hakyeon’s voice, off camera.

 

One man shakes his head.

 

“I learned to lie about our story; people would pity me or ask if I was _sure_ it was a boy I saw when I got my tattoo…it was easier just to lie, say it was a girl from back home and we just didn’t get along or something. I hid it, too, from my friends, family; especially my grandparents because I knew no matter what I said that they wouldn’t accept me.”

 

The man speaking takes a shaky breath, his soul mate’s hand finds his and squeezes reassuringly.

 

The image cuts again. An older woman, alone, bravely showing off the pale white tattoo that snakes up her left arm, from wrist to shoulder; a testament to having known and loved her soul mate for years, only to have them taken away.

 

Same question. _When did you meet?_ Asked a little shakier this time, still low, still off camera.

 

“I met my soul mate about 25 years ago. It was Christmas Eve…I knew then that I was in love at the exact moment we locked eyes. I know some people describe it as electric, as excitement, as the beginning of their relationship. But when I saw her, it set my body on fire. Every cell in my body belonged to her and hers to me and we tapped into something ancient. She was my foundation, like we already knew everything about each other and I was just waiting to see her, to figure it out. She still is in a way.” Her eyes twinkle, not exactly threatening tears, but showing excitement at the memory.

 

“I’ll never forget that.”

 

Hongbin sighs, pulling his headphones off his head and pushes himself back from the monitor he’d been staring at for – he checks the time on his watch— about three hours now. He shrugs his shoulders up and down in an attempt to relieve some of the tension that had been building up during the time he spent editing. They had interviewed close to fifty same-gender soul mate couples, each interview about 30 to 45 minutes long, with a few special interviews of about 2 hours in length. Adding in the soul mate analysis clips with the science-y bits, scientist interviews, and on-location shoots, gave Hongbin over 50 hours of footage to sift through to make a 2 hour documentary. On top of his day job at the B&B, spending time with his family, friends, and his partner, Hongbin is left to do the editing for the Project in the middle of the night. And based on the rough cuts he just watched, he still has a long way to go.

 

Hongbin checks his watch again and calculates that he should probably get at least 2 hours of sleep before he has to get up for work at 6…which means he should have gone to bed 20 minutes ago. Hongbin groans and shoves the heels of his hands to his eyes before saving his work and shuffling to the bathroom.

 

He quickly brushes his teeth and promises his reflection that he will shower in the morning. Hongbin flops into bed, next to the sleeping form that was his partner. He shuffles closer under the covers to the mass, seeking heat, but is met with a cold nose and feet. Hongbin shivers. His partner chuckles.

 

“You still awake?” Hongbin yawns, surprised.

 

“No, you woke me,” his partner responds quietly, eyes still closed and voice thick with sleep.

 

“Sorry, love. Another late night editing. Fall asleep with me, yeah?”

 

“Is it almost done?”

 

“The Project? Almost.”

 

“It’s been months, Bin. You fall into bed exhausted every night.” Their eyes are open now, watching Hongbin carefully.

 

“I know.” Hongbin found their hand in the blankets, interlocks their fingers. “It’s almost done. You know what it means to me, to Hakyeon, Eunji…”

 

“I know,” his partner parrots. “It’s important to me too, Bin. I’m proud of you.”

 

They place a kiss on the tip of Hongbin’s nose. Hongbin scrunches up his face.

 

“Seriously, Bin. I think your Project can reach a lot of people. I’m proud of you. We’re all proud of you. I know Eunyeong is too.”

 

“I know…I know. Can I sleep now?” Hongbin teases.

 

“Yes, goodnight Hongbin.”

 

“Goodnight, I love you.”

 

“I love you too.”

 


	2. A Beginning (Hakyeon)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo, warning for a bit of homophobia.

 

Cha Hakyeon meets his soul mate when he is eight years old. Some people tell him he is lucky; many people don’t meet their soul mates until their twenties, if at all. Others tell him he’s a freak, that he doesn't belong. Because Cha Hakyeon is eight years old when he meets his soul mate, a _boy_.

 

Hakyeon is invited to Lee Hongbin’s fifth birthday party, and because both of Hongbin’s parents are prestigious doctors and Hakyeon’s parents want to climb the social ladder, Hakyeon goes. He knows Hongbin fairly well; they go to the same after-school daycare. Despite their age difference, the two boys get along well, which is fortunate for Hakyeon’s parents because they see his friendship with the doctors’ son as a great networking opportunity.

 

Hakyeon and his parents arrive to the party already in full swing, expensive present tucked under his father’s arm. His parents usher Hakyeon off to play with the kids while they mingle with the other noteworthy adults.

 

There’s a large bouncy house set up in the backyard with kids maybe a little younger than Hakyeon dominating the scene. A huge table heaped with presents that opposes another table heaped with food. A DJ is tucked into one corner and an assortment of outdoor games is spread across the lawn. The adults are all congregated around a smattering of tables in the shade the Lee's large house. Hakyeon thinks it’s all a bit much for a five-year-old, especially one as shy as Hongbin.

 

He searches for Hongbin in the midst of all of the kids running around, but he can’t find him anywhere. None of the other kids look familiar so Hakyeon is left to make friends on his own, which he’s had plenty of practice of at other events his parents have dragged him to over the course of his short life. He sees a girl, maybe around Hongbin’s age, who is sitting in the grass by herself. She looks familiar. He’s probably seen her at events like this one before. He walks toward her, a friendly smile on his face. When she looks up and sees him, however, she wrinkles her nose.

 

“Hello, my name is Cha Hakyeon,” Hakyeon greets politely, bowing despite the cold reception.

 

“I know,” the girl says, sliding her hands over her skirt in an attempt to smooth out the non-existent wrinkles. “You came to my parents’ anniversary celebration last year.”

 

A light bulb goes off in Hakyeon’s head. Last year his parents had dragged him to the anniversary celebration of the owners of the group that operates the hospital they work at. The Park Group owns about everything in South Korea. They have only one daughter, Chorong.

 

“Ah, of course! Park Chorong-ssi! It’s great to see you again,” Hakyeon bows again, carefully watching the girl’s expression. It doesn’t change, but he continues. “You’ve gotten prettier since I’ve last seen you.”

 

Chorong openly scoffs at that.

 

“My grandmother told me not to talk to you,” she says primly, turning away from Hakyeon.

 

Hakyeon’s smile falters. “Oh.” Chorong’s grandmother is the chairwoman of the Park Group. There goes his chance at making friends.

 

“She says your parents are too ambitious and should stop trying so hard to climb the social ladder,” she says.

 

Hakyeon pastes a smile back on his lips. As much as he hates the ridiculousness of his parents, he loves them as well. He’s about to vacate the conversation as politely as he can, but Chorong speaks up again.

 

“But I don’t like my grandmother. She’s old and she acts like it, too. I don’t want to upset her, but I think you’re nice and your parents are, too,” Chorong says, still faced away from Hakyeon.

 

Hakyeon is saved from responding by the announcement of the arrival of the birthday boy. Chorong stands and straightens her dress. She gives Hakyeon a small smile before leaving to join her parents where they are greeting Hongbin, looking stiff in a tailored suit.

 

Hakyeon’s mother grabs him and they join a line to make their congratulations, thoughts of his short conversation with the Park girl still whirling around in his head. When it’s Hakyeon’s turn, he greets Hongbin with a smile and wraps his arms around his friend in a big hug.

 

“Happy birthday Hongbinnie!” he sings.

 

He hears a muffled “thanks, hyung” before releasing him.

 

“Are you having fun?” Hakyeon’s mother asks.

 

Hongbin puts on an obviously fake smile and nods. This seems to be enough for his mother because she gives Hongbin’s hair an affectionate ruffle and goes off to converse with Hongbin’s parents.

 

“Do you want to play a game?” Hakyeon suggests. Anything to make the birthday boy actually have fun at his own party.

 

Hongbin perks up and Hakyeon thinks it’s because of his amazing suggestion (seriously, he’s an amazing hyung, he doesn’t know why his parents won’t let him have a baby brother), but he soon realizes it’s because a small boy is barreling past Hakyeon and wrapping Hongbin in a hug.

 

“Wonshik!” Hongbin laughs out, jumping up and down with the over-excited boy in his arms.

 

Wonshik? That rings a bell. In their few afternoons at the after school daycare together, Hakyeon is sure he’s heard Hongbin mention a Wonshik.

 

“Oh, is this your friend?” Hakyeon asks politely. He’s kind of annoyed that this other kid got a bigger reaction out of Hongbin, but Hakyeon will let it slide because it’s his birthday.

 

“Oh, hyung, this is Wonshik! He’s my best friend and he lives right next door—“

 

Wonshik turns around to greet Hakyeon and that’s when his belly flips.

 

They lock eyes, though Wonshik is a good head and a bit shorter than Hakyeon. His eyes are dark but warm and they send this warm, tingling feeling that starts in his chest and goes all the way to his toes. He feels himself smiling ridiculously wide, and even though he’s just met the kid, he wants to be friends with him. He wants to protect him and he wants Wonshik to call him hyung, just like Hongbin does. He’s so lost in his feelings that he doesn’t hear what Hongbin is saying, he doesn’t feel a prickling sensation on his wrist, and he almost misses the way Wonshik’s eyes are filling with tears.

 

All too soon, Hakyeon finds himself staring at the back of Wonshik’s head as he runs away. Hakyeon’s feet move of their own accord, chasing after Wonshik, his voice (for once in his short life) caught in his throat.

 

He stops when he sees Wonshik fling himself into the arms of a woman, presumably his mother, and start sobbing into her chest. She soothes him, rubbing his back, patting his head, checking his body for bumps and bruises when she notices the tattoo on her son’s wrist that was not there when they had arrived. She spots Hakyeon standing, staring at the scene a few feet away, beckons him to come closer. He does because his parents taught him to be respectful and obedient to adults, especially the ones that are raising his would-be friends.

 

“What’s your name, sweetheart?” she asks in a soothing tone. She’s still holding a sobbing Wonshik, tears of her own forming in her eyes. Hakyeon tilts his head.

 

“Cha Hakyeon.”

 

“Hakyeon, when did this happen?”she asks, motioning to Hakyeon’s left wrist. He looks down. There is a thick black band around his wrist. He touches it and is amazed that it’s his skin, a tattoo.

 

“Oh.” It’s all he can say. It’s all he can say because that wasn’t here before…

 

“Are your parents here?”

 

He nods, still staring at the black tattoo encircling his whole wrist.

 

“Can you go get them for me?”

 

He nods again. He looks up, hesitates.

 

“What’s wrong with Wonshik?” he asks. The sight of Wonshik crying has been bothering him, making his belly gurgle and his skin crawl.

 

“He’s just overwhelmed, I think.”

 

Hakyeon hums. Overwhelmed. He can relate. Hesitantly, Hakyeon leaves Wonshik in the arms of his mother and goes in search of his own. He finds her talking to another adult and he knows he’s not supposed to, because he’s been taught not to interrupt adult conversations, but he does it anyway. He tugs on his mother’s hand to get her attention. She looks perturbed before she looks at Hakyeon’s face and notices something immediately wrong. He is still unable to speak intelligently, so he just starts pulling her over to where he left Wonshik. She follows obediently, her questions going unanswered because Hakyeon’s ears don’t seem to be working, filled with a buzzing and the loud thumping of his own heart.

 

He leads his mother all the way back to where he left Wonshik. He’s not crying anymore, but he’s hiding his face behind his mother’s skirt. Wonshik’s mother starts talking to Hakyeon’s mother, and he can hear only a few words being exchanged between them, all of his attention focused on Wonshik’s half-hidden form. One phrase, however, catches his attention.

 

“Soul mates?” he asks his mother, tilting his head curiously.

 

Hakyeon's mother leans down to Hakyeon’s level and smiles at him, her eyes shining. She takes Hakyeon's wrist, the one with the new tattoo, and kisses his fingers gently. "Hakyeon, do you know what this means?" she asks. He nods.

 

"I found my soul mate?" he asks, even though he knows the answer.

 

"Is it Wonshik?" he asks, though he knows the answer to this, too. His mother nods, looking to where Wonshik is still hiding from him.

 

“He never greeted me properly,” Hakyeon pouts. Hakyeon’s mother laughs, dropping his hand to cover her smile. She looks over to Wonshik’s mother and suggests they go somewhere quiet to talk.

 

Twenty minutes later, Hakyeon and his parents find themselves in Wonshik’s home next door. They’re sitting at the dining room table, Wonshik and Hakyeon with glasses of milk and their parents with a dark-colored drink Hakyeon thinks is special “adult juice”. Hakyeon prefers banana milk, but he supposes this will have to do. He takes a sip, noticing the way Wonshik doesn’t look at him and the way he still didn’t greet him properly. It makes him a little angry. They’re supposed to be soul mates. What kind of soul mates are too scared to talk to each other?

 

When he finishes his milk, Hongbin’s parents start asking him questions.

 

“My name is Cha Hakyeon and I am eight years old,” Hakyeon says, getting out of his seat to bow at the adults, showing Wonshik how it’s done.

 

“My husband and I founded the JPH company,” Hakyeon’s mother supplies.

 

Wonshik stays glued to his seat. Hakyeon huffs.

 

“Wonshik-ah, do you want to greet your hyung and his parents?” Wonshik’s father, a tall man with kind eyes prompts his son.

 

Obediently, Wonshik gets out of his seat and bows politely, and then jumps right back in his seat, his eyes never leaving the floor.

 

“Wonshik is nervous around new friends,” Wonshik’s mother apologizes.

 

“Oh, it’s fine. This is a lot for a five year old to understand,” Hakyeon’s mother answers.

 

“This is a lot for me to understand as well,” Hakyeon’s father utters, his first words since meeting Wonshik and his family.

 

Hakyeon looks to his father, takes in his straight posture and slight frown. Hakyeon’s father is a normally serious man, but right now his expression is almost angry. He’s about to ask his father what’s wrong when someone suggests the kids go into the next room to play while the adults talk.

 

Hakyeon follows Wonshik into the next room, a large room with couches and a mounted TV on the wall. The adults close the door after they leave, acting to muffle their voices from the curious children. Wonshik heads straight to the comfiest-looking couch and sits, hands folded politely in his lap. Hakyeon takes a cautious seat next to the younger boy, peering into his face.

 

“Wonshik?”

 

Wonshik doesn’t respond.

 

“Can I call you Wonshikkie? You can call me hyung. Hakyeon-hyung,” he reminds Wonshik in case he forgot.

 

Wonshik nods slowly.

 

“I guess we’re soul mates, now,” Hakyeon continues, thinking that if maybe he keeps talking long enough, Wonshik will eventually respond to him. Hakyeon hears the quick intake of Wonshik’s breath. Okay, maybe not the best route to get his soul mate to talk to him. _Be more subtle, Hakyeon_ , he scolds himself.

 

“So…you’re best friends with Hongbin-ah?”

 

Wonshik nods again, more vigorously than before. Hakyeon smiles. Even though he won’t talk to him, Hakyeon can’t deny Wonshik is a cute kid.

 

“I bet you want to be with him on his birthday, huh?”

 

Wonshik nods again and peeks quickly over at Hakyeon. His heart soars.

 

“Let’s go, then. It’s only next door.” Hakyeon stands and holds his hand out for Wonshik to take. Wonshik looks at his hand curiously, then up at Hakyeon.

 

“Just for a couple of minutes,” he adds, in case the five-year-old is hesitant to disobey his parents’ orders of staying put. Wonshik smiles shyly and takes Hakyeon’s hand. From his widening eyes, Hakyeon suspects that Wonshik also feels the sharp _zing!_ of energy that races through their joined hands. Hakyeon pulls Wonshik up to stand.

 

“Are you okay, Wonshikkie?” Hakyeon asks. He’s not sure what he’s asking, exactly. If Wonshik is okay after the shock they felt at holding hands, if he’s okay after he drank his milk too fast, if he’s okay after finding his soul mate and the whirl of emotions that came with it. If Wonshik is okay and if he’s okay with Hakyeon, too.

 

Wonshik nods again. As Hakyeon turns to lead them out of the house and back to Hongbin’s birthday party, just for a couple of minutes, he hears Wonshik mumble “I’m okay, hyung.”

 

Hakyeon beams.

 

 

 

Later that night when they get home, Hakyeon’s parents sit him down to talk to him. They talk to him about the responsibilities of being a hyung, of being a soul mate. He listens with as much attention he can muster for an eight-year-old who just had a very long day.

 

“How do you feel?” his mother finally asks him, taking his hand in hers again.

 

“I feel fine, how do you feel?” he asks. He knows when one of his parents ask how he feels it’s because they usually have something they are feeling that they want to talk about instead.

 

“Hakyeon, it’s not…not common for two boys to be soul mates,” his father starts in his business voice. Beside him, his mother tenses.

 

“It’s not?”

 

“No, son. And some soul mates are just meant to be…friends.”

 

“But grandma and grandpa are soul mates and they’re married. Can’t I marry Wonshik?”

 

His father looks pained now. “No.”

 

“But I like Wonshik,” Hakyeon pouts.

 

“We’ll see when you’re older. You’re far too young to get married now, Cha Hakyeon,” his mother says, pulling Hakyeon into a hug.

 

“Just…be good to Wonshik, be a good hyung to him,” his father says, patting his son on the back. His father has never been as affectionate as his mother.

 

“Be a good hyung and the rest will follow.”

 

Hakyeon dreams of being the best hyung Wonshik could ever want.

 

And he is. At least he thinks he is. Though their parents try to keep it quiet, Hakyeon and Wonshik become media darlings within a week of their meeting. And by association Hongbin does too.

 

They’re the youngest soul mate pair in Korea in 50 years and everyone wants to know about them. Hongbin gets labeled as their “matchmaker” because it was at his party that they met, and no one can deny that even at five years old, Hongbin is a cute kid. Hakyeon's mom hesitates at putting her kid in the spotlight at such a young age, but Wonshik's parents and Hongbin's parents agree and its never a bad thing to be seen on TV with families as influential as theirs.

 

They get asked onto news shows and to pose for some magazines. Hakyeon doesn’t mind getting his makeup done and talking on TV and posing for pictures, but he knows the younger ones don’t like it. He tries to answer most of the questions to take the pressure off. He wants the be the best hyung and he tries his hardest.

 

At first, he’s annoyed that Hongbin comes along to the interviews with him, but he soon notices that Wonshik opens up more when Hongbin is around, so he grows to like Hongin’s company. Wonshik slowly opens up to Hakyeon, too. They spend time together outside of the TV shows and interviews, which helps. He learns about Wonshik, about his favorite color, his favorite foods, how he likes his tea. It makes Hakyeon smile when Wonshik giggles at his jokes and Hakyeon thinks he could get used to hearing Wonshik’s laugh.

 

There’s something about the interviews they go through, though, that Hakyeon doesn’t like. They keep saying that Hakyeon and Wonshik will be great friends, that their parents’ businesses will likely grow from the friendship the soul mate bond will foster between the two. He’s not sure, but he thinks back to his conversation with this parents the night he met Wonshik. It’s something about Wonshik being a boy, how he’s not allowed to marry him.

 

He _is_ sure, however, when people starting showing up outside of the broadcast stations, carrying signs and sometimes shouting things that make Hakyeon’s mom cover his ears and walk faster to the car. He learns quickly that people don’t like that Hakyeon’s soul mate is a boy.

 

“It’s not like I can help it,” Hakyeon complains to his mother one evening. They’re eating dinner while retelling their day to Hakyeon’s father, who had never shown much interest in Hakyeon's recent claim to fame.

 

“I know, honey, it’s just that some people don’t understand,” his mother reassures him.

 

“But why? Why does it matter if Wonshikkie is a boy? We’re soul mates, that’s all that should matter.”

 

Both of his parents are quiet. They share a look, having a whole conversation with just their eyes.

 

“You’re right, Hakyeon. It shouldn’t matter,” his mother starts slowly. “But…”

 

“But what?” Hakyeon pushes. He needs to know. He needs to know why people would be mean to someone like Wonshik, who is small and bright and bubbly. Though he hasn’t known Wonshik all that long, Hakyeon thinks that Wonshik could never be mean like that to someone else. Hakyeon might be able to be mean though, if they did something to Wonshik. Just the thought makes his blood begin to boil. He takes a deep breath to calm down, just as he was taught.

 

“But we—I can’t have this conversation with him,” his father says, getting up from the table.

 

Hakyeon scowls at his father's retreating back. “He doesn’t like Wonshik,” he mutters into his plate.

 

Hakyeon’s mother sighs and goes over to Hakyeon, kneeling beside his chair to take his hands in hers. “Darling, no. Your father and I adore Wonshik. It’s just that some people don’t understand. Most soul mates are one man and one woman. That’s what is expected, really, because men and women can get married and have babies if they want to. So when there are two men or two women who are soul mates, it throws people off. They don’t know what to expect out of those kinds of relationships, they think that they are wrong. Those people have little minds and little hearts, Hakyeon. We mustn’t listen to them.”

 

Hakyeon is quiet a moment. He’s not sure if he believes his mother about his father liking Wonshik, not after his stiff posture, his refusing to talk about it with Hakyeon. But he believes his mother about the other parts, so he sighs and allows his mother to pull him into a hug.

 

“What matters most is that I love you, alright?” his mother continues. Hakyeon nods.

 

“I love you too.”

 


	3. Snapshots (Hongbin)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for minor character death...I'm sorry.

 

By the time Lee Hongbin is nine years old, he has discovered his first love. It comes in the form of a camera, an old beat up Nikon that his Aunt Eunyeong used to use before she got enough money to buy better cameras for her career as a photographer. He receives it as a gift for his fifth birthday. He quickly learns that he likes this type of camera better than the TV cameras he was forced in front of, and follows his aunt around for a week straight, taking pictures of everything and anything. The cat, the chair, Wonshik, his aunt. She laughs and jokes that he’ll follow in her footsteps and become a photographer. Hongbin thinks there’s nothing wrong with that.

 

Hongbin's aunt helps him develop the pictures he takes. They go through the pictures and throw away the blurry ones or the ones with Hongbin's finger over the lens and print them in his aunt's studio. Hongbin hangs up the pictures he loves the most in his room above his bed. He finds himself more and more often looking at his favorite pictures before he goes to sleep, finding comfort in those captured moments of the things and people he loves the most. 

 

One of his favorites is one of himself, Wonshik, and Hakyeon. It was taken just over a year ago in summer, in Hongbin's backyard. The three of them had been playing outside, enjoying the sun and warmth and freedom of youth. They're sweaty and covered with dirt, but their smiles are genuine. Hakyeon has an arm slung across each of Wonshik and Hongbin's shoulders, his cheek squished against Wonshik's dark hair. His friends' soul mate tattoos had grown slightly in the last three years, barely inching up their arms in identical patterns. 

 

Eunyeong had taken this picture, basically begging her nephew to use her old camera to catch that moment of the growing boys. This is the only picture on his wall that was not taken by Hongbin himself. Hongbin had only trusted Eunyeong to handle the camera that he still loves so much. 

 

Next to that picture is one of Hongbin's reflection, taken in the window of the shiny office building on the first day of his first modeling job. He had meant to take a picture of the colorful flowers planted outside of the window, but he ended up catching himself in the reflection too, just a tiny kid behind a camera. It's a weird picture, but Hongbin likes it now. It was one of his first and it was taken on the day he found out one of his other loves. 

 

A few weeks after their first appearance on TV, the hype around Wonshik and Hakyeon dies down. Luckily, the little backlash they had experienced did too and the young soul mates faded into the background. People remember Hongbin, though. The little “matchmaker” had made a big splash for being so handsome, so well-behaved on all the shows he was dragged to. His parents are contacted by agencies, wanting him to model, to brand his “matchmaker” title to sell products. His mother opposes but his aunt is thrilled.

 

"Let him model, Myeonghee. You’re the one that paraded him on TV in the first place. If nothing else, it will be a fun story to tell his friends when he’s older.” Aunt Eunyeong is talking with his mom in the kitchen where they think he can’t hear. This isn’t the part of the conversation he’d been hoping to overhear, but he’ll take whatever he can get at this point.

 

“I do photo shoots with this agency all the time, they treat their models really well and the paychecks aren’t that bad, either,” Aunt Eunyeong continues.

 

“You think we need the money?” his mother fires back.

 

“Myeonghee, you’re misunderstanding me. This would be a great opportunity for Hongbin!”

 

“You mean a great opportunity for you?”

 

“Well, we can’t all be doctors—“

 

“Please, you were always dad’s favorite—“

 

Hongbin sighs loudly, trying to drown out the sisters’ arguing. They didn’t usually argue. He figures it’s just the stress of the wedding. At least that’s what everyone else had been saying all month.

 

“Do you want to model, Hongbin?” It’s Aunt Jess, who had been sitting with Hongbin on the floor outside the kitchen, smile creeping on her lips. They’ve been doing this a lot recently; sitting together outside of rooms and conversations they can’t entirely understand based on age or language, taking comfort in the other’s presence.

 

Hongbin shrugs. “I didn’t like the TV cameras,” he says slowly. “But I like Aunt Eunyeong’s camera. That’s what I would do, right? Be in front of that type of camera?”

 

Aunt Jess nods. “Pictures, yeah. Do you think you’d like that?”

 

Hongbin shrugs again. “Maybe if Aunt Eunyeong took the pictures.”

 

“I’m sure Eunyeong-unnie would love to take pictures of you.”

 

The next day, Hongbin goes to work with Eunyeong. It isn’t as bad as the TV stations from two months. There’s a lot of people behind the camera, and a lot of lights, but Eunyeong is good at telling people to be quiet and at soothing her anxious nephew. They put Hongbin in tons of different outfits, in a bunch of different backgrounds. They try to put paint-lookin stuff on his face, but Eunyeong waves them off after Hongbin grimaces at the make-up artists, murmuring something like this is what editing is for, no need to traumatize him further.

 

They show Hongbin the pictures on a large screen after the shoot. Eunyeong and the other adults praise the pictures but Hongbin can barely recognize himself. His eyes look too large and his skin too pale. Eunyeong tells him it’s the makeup and the lighting.

 

Hongbin finds himself liking it. People have always told him he looks handsome. In Eunyeong’s pictures, he can finally see it. He looks almost angelic, different from his normal five-year-old self. He can almost see how Eunyeong and others see him, not some shy, awkward, lanky kid who’s just trying desperately to understand everything that’s happening around him. The shoot was quiet. No one expected him to speak, to voice his thoughts or feelings. He was just a model, just a body on the screen.

 

Eunyeong lets him take his camera with him, to compare to the cameras she uses at work. He takes some pictures at the studio, of the set, of the cameras, of his feet. He snaps the picture of his reflection in the flowers as they're leaving.

 

“You did good, kid,” Eunyeong compliments him. They’re in the car, on the way back to the house. Hongbin gives his aunt a grin through the rear view mirror that he knows she’s looking at him through even though she’s supposed to be focusing on driving. That’s how Eunyeong is, though. She’s always focused on others, making sure they are cared for and fed and treated right. She makes sure the people she loves are given the opportunity to reach their potentials, whether they want to or not.

 

“You liked it, right?” Eunyeong asks. Her eyes are back on the road as she makes a turn at the traffic light.

 

Hongbin hums in agreement. It was fun. Plus, he got to spend the whole day with his favorite aunt.

 

“Good. You have to get used to the spotlight, Binnie.”

 

Her eyes flick back to Hongbin’s face and catch the grimace that temporarily paints his face. She chuckles.

 

“You’re very handsome, Bin. People will always tell you that. And it’s okay, to be handsome. But you’re also going to have to work hard to let them know that you are also smart and caring and talented too, okay? Make sure people get to know the real you.”

 

Hongbin nods. Easier said than done. In his short life, Hongbin has limited acquaintances. Besides his parents, Aunt Eunyeong, and Aunt Jess, the only friends his age are Wonshik and Hakyeon. He’s confident they all know his true self, but others tended to get caught up on his appearance. At only five years old, Hongbin was sadly already used to it.

 

After assuring his mother that he actually had fun modeling with Eunyeong, she allows him to do another shoot, and then another. Before long, she allows Eunyeong to help her find Hongbin a good agency to sign with.

 

“At least he’ll be able to buy himself a car when he’s older,” is all his father has to contribute to the conversation, much to his mother’s annoyance.

 

Hongbin grows to really love modeling. When he’s in front of the camera, no one is bothering him, except to tell him where to place his hands, or where to look. He thinks he gets pretty good at acting, too, and finding the emotions they tell him too and wearing it like a mask on his too-pale skin.

 

He loves being in pictures almost as much as he loves taking them. Almost, but not quite. 

 

The next picture on the wall is of his aunts. They're wearing white dresses, giving goofy poses for their nephew who grins at them from behind the camera. Hongbin remembers that day well. 

 

A little less than a year ago, his aunts got married. They had meant to get married sooner, but they kept pushing it off for reasons they never told Hongbin about. The wedding happens in late December. Jess’s family flies in from the States to spend the week leading up to the wedding. Hongbin is introduced to his new cousin, a skinny kid named Changkyun who is only a little bit younger than Hongbin. He gets to introduce Changkyun to Wonshik and Hakyeon. It’s kind of weird because he doesn’t know Changkyun and Changkyun doesn’t really speak Korean. Hakyeon does his best to communicate using basic English he’s learned in school, but they mostly end up just playing soccer in the backyard or nagging Jess to ask Changkyun about his favorite Pokemon.

 

On the day of the actual ceremony, Hongbin sits stiffly in his seat, the suit his parents made him wear is itchy and uncomfortable. He fidgets, tugging at the collar that is slowly choking him, only earning him a disapproving look from his mother sitting beside him. Obediently, Hongbin folds his hands in his lap and waits. He fidgets again. He can’t help it, he’s _bored_. Hongbin glances at his parents; his father, who sits straight-backed, staring straight ahead with his mouth in a straight line, and his mother, whose eyes are red as if she’d been crying. Without turning too much, Hongbin twists to observe the small crowd (maybe fifteen people) that is assembled in his parents’ living room.

 

Behind him, Hongbin spots Wonsik, looking equally uncomfortable in his own suit, sitting between equally-looking tense parents. He and Wonsik are the only kids there, except for Changkyun. Hongbin spies the kid across the aisle and offers a small wave. He’s given a small smile in return. Hakyeon and his parents had been invited as well, but they couldn’t make it because they were vacationing in Macao. (Hakyeon tells them his parents won't let him go to the wedding because his father is being a "homophobe", but when Wonshik asks him what that means, he refuses to tell the younger boys.)

 

The officiate enters down the central aisle, followed by Jess and Eunyeong who are dressed up in white and holding hands. Everyone stands until they get to the front of the room, by the fireplace. Eunyeong faces Jess and takes both of her hands. From his seat, Hongbin can see the happiness radiating from the couple in front of him and he gets a warm feeling in his chest. Both Jess and Eunyeong’s identical tattoos are on display, indicating that they are soul mates. Over his lifetime, Hongbin has seen their tattoos shift and change, and when they say their vows in front of their closest friends and family members, Hongbin swears he can see the black ink grow further up their arms in unison. They kiss. Everyone claps and Hongbin's father invites them for dinner in the dining room.

 

Hongbin’s mother takes his hand and leads him up to where his aunt is beaming at her soul mate. Eunyeong pulls Hongbin into a tight hug, and then Jess.

 

“Thanks, again, for letting us have this here,” Eunyeong says to Hongbin’s parents.

 

“Anything for my little sister,” Hongbin’s mom speaks up, but it comes out a little rigid. Eunyeong reaches to hug her sister, kisses her on the cheek. She immediately softens, pulling Eunyeong in tighter.

 

"Anything you want, I promise," she continues, voice slightly muffled. Hongbin thinks he hears his mother sniffle. 

 

"You've done enough," Eunyeong assures her sister. "Just having you here, honestly, is all I could ask for. Now focus on happy things. I don't want anyone crying on my wedding day except the patriarchy and homophobic assholes."

 

His mother snorts at that. Jess grins at them and winks at Hongbin who is trying not to laugh because his aunt just said _asshole._  

 

Hongbin is ushered into the dining room so everyone else can greet the happy couple. He finds Wonsik, who is struggling out of his suit jacket. They sit next to each other at the dining room table that has been extended to allow room for all of the guests and try not to get caught kicking each other under the table.

 

After a boring dinner, the adults let Hongbin, Wonsik, and Changkyun  play outside so that they can talk. The December air is biting, but there isn’t any snow on the ground, so they don’t have to worry about changing into snowsuits. They run around for a while before they get tired. Back inside, the temperature difference makes the sweaty boys boil. Wonsik pulls the cuff of his shirt sleeve up enough to look at the black ink of his own soul mate tattoo to show to Changkyun. Apparently Changkyun had never seen one that up close before.

 

“Do you think me and Hakyeon-hyung will have a wedding like this when we’re older?” Wonsik asks, eyeing his tattoo suspiciously. After meeting his soul mate only three years ago, Wonsik’s soul mate tattoo has barely progressed past his wrist, still a thick, black band with a small tendril of ink snaking its way up the underside of his wrist. Its nothing compared to the ones worn by Hongbin's aunts. Eunyeong and Jess, who had met when Hongbin was a baby, had tattoos that snaked up almost to their elbows.

 

“It wasn’t a wedding, technically. Two girls can’t marry each other.” Hongbin says, regurgitating what his parents had told him about the ceremony earlier in the evening. Wonsik frowns.

 

“Yeah, but…do you think we will have a partner-union thing?”

 

Hongbin shrugs. He doesn’t really know. He personally doesn’t see why two of his best friends couldn’t get married. They're  _soul mates_. Why could only some soul mates but not others get married? It doesn’t make sense to Hongbin. But a lot of things don’t make sense to Hongbin. Soul mates is just one of them.

 

Hongbin takes pictures of all of the guests before they can leave. He takes a bunch of his aunts and a bunch more of himself with Wonshik and Changkyun.

 

The day after the wedding, Jess’s family leaves. He and Changkyun promise to become pen pals. Life goes back to normal, at least for a while.

 

Hongbin sighs now, thinking back to the time since the wedding. Hongbin had continued to model, to go to school, to play with Wonshik and with Hakyeon, to send letters to Changkyun. He and Aunt Jess had kept finding themselves outside of closed doors. More and more often, Jess was invited inside. Hongbin was not. 

 

A month after the wedding, Hongbin escorts Eunyeong to a photo shoot. He's not modelling in this one, but he likes to watch his aunt work anyway. The crew is small, so they don't mind Hongbin watching behind the scenes with wide eyes. The shoot if for a clothing line, the model young woman with a slender build. They throw a few different outfits on her, Hongbin taking note of the different poses she uses to maybe use at his next shoot. It's over fairly quickly, but Eunyeong pulls Hongbin aside when the rest of the crew start to leave. She takes him to her dark room and they look at some of the photos the photographer had taken recently. 

 

They end up on a couch in the studio. Eunyeong buys him a can of soda from the vending machine and makes him promise not to tell his mom, who doesn't like for Hongbin to have the stuff. Hongbin finds himself enjoying the quiet company of his aunt in the empty studio. They hadn't been able to spend as much one-on-one time lately. His aunt starts talking first. 

 

“You were there the day I met Jess, you know. It was the Christmas Eve right after you were born. I went with your parents to an ice skating rink. I was holding you when I saw her. Jess was travelling the world, just stopping by in Korea for the holidays with friends. We met purely by coincidence. Jess didn’t even know Korean then and my English was very poor. But it didn’t matter, because we had finally found each other. I was convinced it was because you were there with us. My good luck charm,” Eunyeong takes Hongbin’s hand in hers, tears in her eyes.

 

“Hongbin, you’re a smart boy. So intelligent. You know something’s going on, don’t you?”

 

Hongbin nods, his heart plummeting. But nothing can prepare him for what she tells him.

 

Eunyeong is sick and there isn’t anything else the doctors can do. 

 

"You have to be strong, Hongbin," Eunyeong says through her tears. "I know you're such a strong kid. Strong and smart and so so kind. I love you Hongbin, you know that?"

 

Hongbin nods, but everything feels numb. His brain is fuzzy and his mouth is dry and  _this can't be right_. Because he can't do anything else, Hongbin begins to cry. He starts sobbing, really, loud and ugly, very unfitting for an eight-year-old who always tries to act more mature than he is. Eunyeong cries with him, holding him through it. They cry until their eyes hurt, still holding each other because neither of them can quite believe it. 

 

Hongbin doesn't remember much of the rest of that day. Maybe because he fell asleep after exhausting himself with tears, maybe because his brain still can't comprehend that his aunt is dying. She doesn't look sick, she doesn't act sick. Eunyeong is fine, she has to be.

 

The coming months are easily the worst of Hongbin's life. Slowly, he starts to see Eunyeong's energy decline. She doesn't have as much time to play with Hongbin because she's sleeping or resting. She can't look at Hongbin's photographs because she's at the hospital getting treatments. She can't come downstairs for breakfast because she simply doesn't have the strength to get out of bed. 

 

Thinking back the last few years, it starts to make sense in Hongbin's head. All of the talks in the kitchen, how the wedding kept getting pushed back. It starts to make sense in Hongbin's head and he starts to feel sick at how he couldn't see it beforehand. Maybe if he had known, he could have cherished his aunt more, he could have done something,  _anything._

 

Hardly a year after the wedding, snow is on the ground. Eunyeong is not there to see it.

 

Nine-year-old Hongbin sits on his bed, staring at his wall of pictures. He holds the old Nikon in his hands, turning it over slowly, thinking about his first love. Not for the first time, Hongbin wants to throw his camera at the wall and watch it splinter and fracture and break into tiny, tiny pieces. It would be easy, it would be quick. No one would even care, probably. His house has been eerily silent for the longest time. Hongbin doesn't know why he wants to do that, but he has an inkling that it would feel good, cathartic. Unconsciously, he finds himself gripping the camera tighter, muscles contracting with urge to throw, fight, destroy.

 

Gently, Hongbin puts the camera down on his bed. He lies down next to it, eyes staying on his wall of pictures. Those were happier times, times when everyone was together and well and just there, there where Hongbin could reach them and ask for another picture if the first one didn't turn out quite right. 

 

Hongbin thinks about all of the things Eunyeong told him. Work hard. Have kind heart. Be strong.

 

Hongbin clutches the camera to his chest and cries. 

 

_I love you Hongbin, you know that?_

 

With his camera clutched safely next to his heart, Hongbin cries until he has no tears left. The pictures on his wall acting as reminders of better days, as protectors from his dark, destructive feelings until he falls asleep, utterly spent. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry...


	4. Distractions (Sanghyuk)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Sorry for the long wait! I have a lot of excuses but none of them are very good...please continue to be patient with the erratic updates.
> 
> No major warnings for this one, just some angst! Also, just an fyi but POV will continue to jump around between all the boys--we'll hear from all of them eventually!

 

Sanghyuk doesn’t know what to expect when his grandmother sends him to play with the kid next door. When he knocks on the neighbor’s door and greets the woman with a ninety-degree bow, he thinks that maybe this “Taekwoon” that she calls will be his age, maybe someone he can talk to and play with; a brother-type figure that he never had at his parents’ cramped apartment in Seoul. He doesn’t expect to be introduced to a tall, lanky kid at least a few years older than him, with a quiet voice and a sullen air about him.

 

At the request of his mother, Taekwoon leads Sanghyuk through the house and to the backyard. They sit in the middle of the small yard on freshly mown grass and an increasingly awkward silence. It’s hot and humid, Sanghyuk’s t-shirt and shorts sticking to him even though he’s just sitting there. Sanghyuk had never minded the heat (his apartment in Seoul doesn’t have air conditioning) but at least in Seoul he had things to take his mind off of it. He had a TV, video games, ice cream, a few friends, his parents in Seoul. Here, basically in the middle of nowhere, Sanghyuk has nothing. His grandmother doesn’t have TV, only an aged radio, and she doesn’t like giving him sweets, either. There’s nothing except the heat and this weird, silent hyung that Sanghyuk is supposed to get to know.

 

Sanghyuk looks to Taekwoon, who is sitting with his legs crossed and his hands neatly folded in his lap. He’s looking down at his hands, his face unreadable with his dark hair hanging low over his eyes. Sanghyuk doesn’t know what to do, so he starts talking.

 

“My name is Sanghyuk,” he starts quietly, bowing his head to the older boy, whose eyes dart over to Sanghyuk’s face, then back to the hands in his lap. Taekwoon doesn't say anything, so Sanghyuk takes it as a sign to keep going.

 

“I’m staying with my grandmother, who lives next door, over the summer. I live in Seoul with my parents. I usually only visit Grandmother on holidays and vacations but…my parents thought I should spend some time away from the city. Grandmother told me I should make friends while I’m here, so that’s why I’m…here.”

 

Taekwoon looks at him carefully and Sanghyuk’s heart sinks. _Everyone_ has been looking at him carefully, as if even thinking about saying something wrong would make him break. Every time his grandmother introduces him to a neighbor, one of her friends, the cashier at the local grocery store, they all give Sanghyuk the same careful look that usually precedes an apologetic remark or a worried sentiment. Sanghyuk _hates_ when people do that. How is an eight-year-old supposed to respond to someone who pinches his cheek and coos at how cute he is while giving his grandmother a sympathetic look that says _it’s a shame that something like this had to happen to someone so young, to so well-loved a family_. Sanghyuk just wants to play, to forget everything that happened in Seoul so that when his parents come to pick him up at the end of the summer, they can all move on together, as a family. Sanghyuk braces himself for disappointment, for pitying words or a pat on the back or “it will all turn out fine, don’t worry” but what actually tumbles from Taekwoon’s lips takes Sanghyuk by surprise.

 

“Do you like soccer?”

 

“What?” Sanghyuk tilts his head at Taekwoon, unsure if he heard him correctly.

 

“Soccer. It’s played with a ball, like this—“ Taekwoon points to a soccer ball Sanghyuk didn’t notice before lying a few feet away from them in the yard, but Sanghyuk cuts him off.

 

“I know what soccer is,” Sanghyuk huffs, rolling his eyes.

 

Taekwoon gives small a smile, just a slight upturn of the ends of his lips (which Sanghyuk later learns is a rare occurrence for the older boy and neglects to cherish it the first time he sees it).

 

“Ah, my mistake,” Taekwoon apologizes, smile quickly replaced by a teasing look in his eye. “Do you want to play?”

 

Sanghyuk shrugs, to which Taekwoon responds by giving him a pat on the head. Sanghyuk wrinkles his nose but Taekwoon doesn’t see it because he’s already getting up to retrieve the soccer ball.

 

About two hours later, Sanghyuk and Taekwoon are sweating hard, lying in the middle of Taekwoon’s backyard, lazily watching the clouds as they drift overhead. Taekwoon’s mother calls from inside the house that it’s time for Sanghyuk to leave. He drags himself to his feet, and waves at Taekwoon.

 

“See you later, Taekwoon-ssi.”

 

“Call me hyung,” Taekwoon says quietly from the ground where he looks up at Sanghyuk, a slender hand shielding his dark eyes from the sun. Sanghyuk smiles.

 

“See you later, hyung!”

 

As the weeks progress, Sanghyuk becomes more and more thankful for the distraction Taekwoon provides both from the stifling heat and from the stares or glances of pity from the adults. They mostly play soccer, spending long hours outside kicking the ball back and forth or trying out new tricks. Sanghyuk soon learns that Taekwoon is good at soccer; he can easily beat Sanghyuk even without the five years of experience and developed muscles that Taekwoon has on him. Sanghyuk also learns that Taekwoon is kind, despite his icy exterior. Though he could (and sometimes does) easily beat Sanghyuk at the game, he plays with him instead, coaches him, teaches him tricks. Sometimes they are allowed to stay inside and play video games, where Sanghyuk has the advantage, yet he chooses to repay Taekwoon the kindness he gives himself on the soccer field. He shows Taekwoon all of the cheats he knows in each of the Pokémon games he owns and coaches him through all of the turns on Rainbow Road in Mario kart.

 

Other times, Taekwoon comes over to Sanghyuk’s grandmother’s house. At his grandmother’s house, Sanghyuk and Taekwoon read comic books while spread out on the living room, or try to figure out old board games they find at the back of the hallway closet. More and more often, Sanghyuk and Taekwoon find themselves talking, talking about books and movies, about sports and friends. And more and more often Sanghyuk finds himself seeking out Taekwoon’s quiet company because he likes spending time with him, rather than seeing him as a distraction from all of the confusion rattling around in his brain.

 

When he tells his grandmother that he likes talking to Taekwoon, she looks at him curiously.

 

"Jung Taekwoon? The neighbor boy?" she asks incredulously. Sanghyuk nods.

 

His grandmother looks thoughtful. "I don't think I've ever heard him speak."

 

Sanghyuk just grins because he's heard Taekwoon go on a rant about how he hates when people say things like that about him. It's probably the longest he's ever heard Taekwoon speak.

 

By the end of the summer, Sanghyuk sees Taekwoon as one of the closest friends he’s ever had. He knows that Taekwoon is older and could be hanging out with his own friends instead of the skinny kid next door, but Taekwoon never acts or says anything that makes Sanghyuk feel that way. He's so grateful for Taekwoon, his quiet confidant, that he almost doesn't want to go back home and leave Taekwoon behind. Almost, but not quite. As much as he's grown to like Taekwoon, he would be lying if he said he didn't miss his parents. 

 

And soon, the day comes that Sanghyuk has been waiting for practically all summer. His parents are supposed to come today to pick him up because school will be starting soon. He has been packed for a few days, and though he loves his grandmother and has grown close to Taekwoon, he really wants to go home.

 

The day comes and Sanghyuk can’t fight the tears that well up behind his eyes when only his father shows up, looking as upset and worn out and dejected as Sanghyuk feels. His father pulls Sanghyuk into a hug and together they cry because he was not supposed to come back alone. 

 

“I didn’t raise my son to be such a crybaby, my grandson either,” Grandmother says gruffly from behind them. She takes them both by the arm and marches them into the kitchen, setting two cups of tea in front of them.

 

“What happened, Seho?” Grandmother asks, kinder, softer than before. Sanghyuk peers up at his father, waiting for a reply.

 

“I tried,” his father chokes out. He looks to Sanghyuk, then to Grandmother. “I tried so hard, I did. B-but she…she’s decided to live with him. W-we’re getting divorced and she’s moving in with him. We’ll have split custody of Sanghyuk, I made sure of that but…he’s her soul mate, Mom. I can’t compete with that.”

 

Grandmother sets her jaw. “I guess the bitch made her choice.”

 

“Mom!”

 

“I did _not_ accept that woman into my family for her to just desert my son and grandson,” she says fiercely, eyes blazing. “Let her be with her soul mate, then, but she will not be welcome in my house ever again.” She sets her mouth in a firm line, her resolve obviously clear.

 

“I’m so sorry, Sanghyuk-ah,” his father says, taking Sanghyuk’s hand. “Please don’t hate me or your mom. She’s only doing what she thinks is best.”

 

 Sanghyuk can’t seem to meet his father’s eye.

 

It's not right. This whole  _thing_ isn't right. Nothing has been right since that day that his mother came back home with a fresh black tattoo on her wrist and a new contact in her phone. The fighting had started that day and had escalated. Sanghyuk had heard most of it; there's only so many places in the apartment he could go to escape the yelling. His mother wanted to get to know her soul mate. His father couldn't figure out why she wanted to spend so much time with him because she had him and Sanghyuk, her family. His mother said he could never understand because his soul mate was dead, had been since before Sanghyuk was born. 

 

So Sanghyuk had understood when his parents suggested he spend the summer with his grandmother in the country. They told him they were going to work it out, come up with a solution. And Sanghyuk would be out of the way, free from the yelling for a whole summer. They would come back, happy and fixed, and everything would be good again. The three of them, together.

 

No, this is not right. 

 

They leave the next day. Taekwoon waves goodbye from his doorstep, a promise to write to Sanghyuk (because Sanghyuk is only eight and doesn’t have a phone) the last thing to leave his lips. And just like that, Sanghyuk leaves the heat and humidity of his grandmother’s house in the countryside to his cold apartment in Seoul.

 

 

 

His father tries his best, he really does, but he becomes distant from Sanghyuk. The eat together, his father greets him when Sanghyuk gets back from school and asks him about his day. But their interactions are lacking warmth and affection. Neither can seem to forget the other presence that once filled their small home. The silence that grows in their apartment is almost deafening and Sanghyuk finds himself searching desperately for a distraction.

 

Even though he now has schoolwork and video games and TV, none of them stand up against the weight of his feelings as well as the letters of his favorite hyung. Because true to his word, Taekwoon writes to Sanghyuk almost weekly. 

 

Taekwoon doesn't try to treat Sanghyuk like something delicate, and he doesn't try to avoid the topic either, like all of his friends do. He asks Sanghyuk what he thinks about it, how he's feeling. Taekwoon writes back his advice, tells him he'll always have his support. Then he'll turn around and distract Sanghyuk with entire letters written about a soccer game he played recently or a new show that he thinks Sanghyuk would like. Sanghyuk finds himself almost depending on Taekwoon's letters on keeping him sane from the hurricane of emotions that continue to swirl around his brain.

 

Because though he doesn't mean to, and he never promised that he wouldn't, he can't help but grow to hate his mother. Sanghyuk doesn't see her, doesn't accept her calls. He doesn't want to and as the days turn into weeks he finds that he can't. There's something dark in his heart now whenever he thinks of his mother, its dark and hard and cold and entirely too much for an eight-year-old to carry.

 

He doesn’t see his mother again until two months later. She’s waiting outside of the apartment she once shared with them. She looks the same, but different. She changed her hair so it’s shorter now and her mouth is set in a straight, tight line. Sanghyuk, startled at first, tries valiantly to avoid her because he never was able to put a good label on what he felt about how his mother that abandoned him. Anger? Sadness? Betrayal? All of the above, probably, but Sanghyuk didn’t want to feel any of that now. He just wants to go home and make dinner with his dad and fall asleep while watching cartoons.

 

Luck, however, has never been on Sanghyuk’s side.

 

“Sanghyuk-ah!” his mother calls out to him. Sanghyuk flinches, but keeps walking.

 

“Sanghyuk! Han Sanghyuk!”

 

Sanghyuk keeps his eyes forward and does his best to ignore the woman who gave birth to him. But suddenly, an arm reaches out and grabs Sanghyuk’s wrist, stopping him in his tracks. For a moment, Sanghyuk stares. He stares at the point where they’re touching, eyes straying from his own arm to his mother’s, where a thick black band contrasts against her pale skin.

 

“Don’t ignore me, Sanghyuk,” his mother says, the warble in her voice the only thing that gives away what she’s feeling at their reunion.

 

Suddenly, everything clicks together in Sanghyuk’s brain. He knows what he’s feeling, and what he’s feeling is absolute rage. Swiftly, he yanks his arm out of his mother’s grasp, and turns to face her. His eyes meet hers, so alike yet so, so different in this moment.

 

“I hate you,” Sanghyuk says quietly. Then he turns on his heel and runs into the apartment building. His mother does not follow him.  

 

He holds himself together until he gets inside the apartment and then the tears begin to fall. Sanghyuk begins shaking violently as tears streak down his face. His father comes out from his office, takes one look at his distressed son, and immediately pulls him into his arms.

 

They cry again together that night after Sanghyuk is finally able to tell his father what happened. And though he hates that he saw that woman again, it actually helps to heal his relationship with his father. It seems it took his son in tears over seeing his ex-wife made him snap out of his own emotional fog and made him start acting like an actual father again.

 

He cooks that night, Sanghyuk’s favorite food and they turn on Sanghyuk’s favorite new show that Taekwoon recommended. They fall asleep in front of the TV and he lets Sanghyuk take the next day off from school while he takes a sick day and they have a picnic in the park.

 

Things get a little better after that. His father becomes more attentive to Sanghyuk’s moods and gets better at pulling him out of a funk. In return, Sanghyuk gets pretty good at reading when his father needs a break, too, and surprises him by cooking dinner by himself or cleaning the apartment.

 

Things get a little better, this new life with only his dad and far away hyung. But still, the darkness and bitterness grows inside of him and morphs into a dislike of soul mates in general. After all, the only reason his mother left and abandoned him was because she found her soul mate. He didn’t have to worry about his father leaving him because he doesn’t have a soul mate, couldn’t because there was a pale white band around his father’s wrist. If that had never happened, if his mom had never found her soul mate,  Sanghyuk whole-heartedly believes she'd still be with him and his dad, happy and together.

 

Sanghyuk finds himself hoping that he will never meet his own soul mate. He even starts telling everyone he doesn’t even care if his soul mate is dead. His friends give him weird looks, his dad just looks at him sadly. Taekwoon is the only one who tries to be understanding.

 

_I can see why you feel that way¸_ Taekwoon writes in one of his letters, _and I’d probably feel the same in that situation. But maybe your soul mate will be different? I’m not saying everything will be sunshine and roses, because that’s just not the way the world works, but the person to be your soul mate is probably really special just because they’re made for you. Sorry if that sounded sappy, my sister is making me watch a drama and I think I’m getting some second-hand cheesiness from the male lead. Just keep an open mind, Sanghyuk-ah, and at least don’t punch them at first if you ever meet them._

He tries to take Taekwoon’s advice and keep an open mind, but it doesn’t really work. Every time he sees a soul mated pair on the street or sees one on TV, it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. Better to just stop worrying about it and live life like his soul mate doesn’t even exist. His soul mate, if Sanghyuk ever meets them, is as good as dead anyway.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I don't know how this got so angsty but...hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for all the kudos and comments :) This should be the end of the childhood background story line-next we move on to the teen years!
> 
> Thoughts so far? (I'm still not over Scientist)


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